Picking A Favorite
It's become this funny thing I always just casually say about myself: I'm horrible at picking favorites. I never really thought much about it. I always just said it depends on my mood, or the circumstances, or whatever. I would rather list a whole group of things that are all good, instead of actually putting one at the top above the rest.
But I started thinking more about it this week, when I was laying in bed one night about to fall asleep and I realized I haven't actually prayed in a long time. I haven't actually used my words to talk to God. And then I was wide awake, realizing I put so many things before Him. I put so many things above Him. And then, I'm horrible at putting God as the favorite thing of my heart. I would rather keep a whole group of things there instead of actually putting Him at the top above the rest.
I'm horrible at picking favorites. i'm horrible at making God my priority.
I never liked the word idols, and I think it's because I knew that accepting that word would mean accepting that I have idols, and it would mean I needed to deal with them.
My heart is fickle. I know what I should do, and then I do the other thing. For as rooted as my life and work are in faith, it's so easy to sleep longer in the mornings instead of devoting my mornings to Him. It's easy to download Tinder and waste my time swiping left and right instead of actually being still and being silent and taking my anxieties about my singleness to the Lord. It's easy to write blog posts about finding new words to pray and still neglect prayer myself.
It's easy to put other things above Him.
It's easy to gravitate toward things that give us instant gratification.
It's easy to prioritize work and friendships and social events over quiet times.
Putting the Lord first and foremost means moving what's currently holding that spot.
Making Him my priority means the other things have to fall back.
It means reordering my life to align to His will and His design and not my own.
It means doing hard work in my heart and soul.
It means surrendering the things I've been grasping at, letting go of the things I've tried to control, giving up the things I thought were important or good or fulfilling for me.
I've never been good at picking favorites, but oh, how my heart longs for the Lord to reign from His rightful place as first and favorite and foremost and Father. There is nothing deserving of that title but the King of kings and Lord of lords. I'll always feel the pull of the idols, of the work and the frenzy and the people, of the validation and the success, of the accolades and my heart's selfish desires, and I'll always have to learn to lean away from them and into Him. I'll always struggle with a changing, fickle, restless heart that is awful at consistency and staying steadfast, but I know I will always rest easy in His steadfast love. This will be the growth journey of all of my days-- learning how to set aside all other things for the sake of knowing Him better and fuller and deeper; learning how to let grace flood my heart and change me day by day; learning how to set a rhythm of study and prayer and worship as an undercurrent to all that I do; learning how to let my brokenness be healed, my heart be loved, my soul be filled, my anxieties calmed, my identity defined by my Creator and Savior, my Redeemer and King.