it was flannery that said she didn’t know what she thought until she read what she wrote, and I think she was onto something there. it’s easy to go through the days on autopilot, waking up and working and eating and mostly just going through the motions without real thought or intention. lately, i’ve been trying to disrupt that. I don’t want to live numb to the deeper things, just existing and never truly living. I don’t want to go through day after day without truly taking the time to notice, appreciate, examine, explore, and challenge. I want to know what i’m thinking. I want to think new things. I want to write, and to read, and to read what I write. I want to read what other’s think, and write my own thoughts in response. I want to live with intentionality, with curiosity. I want to live on purpose.
I think living purposefully is disruptive.
I don’t really like disruptions, if i’m honest.
I like predictability, and organization, and routines, and rhythms. I like order and structure and clarity.
disruptions by nature get in the way of all of that. they’re chaotic, they challenge me.
and they are good.
there was a day when all I could think about was going home and taking a nap in bed. instead, I disrupted that thought pattern and went for a three mile walk in the sunshine. there was a day that I found myself repeating negative thoughts and critical statements toward my own self. I disrupted that habit and wrote a list in my journal of affirmations about myself instead. there was a day I felt frustrated at work and wanted to throw in the towel and go home. instead, I disrupted those feelings, switched gears, and worked on a project that was more creative and felt productive.
if I don’t know what i’m thinking until I read back what i’ve written, then I have to disrupt the pattern of living on autopilot and choose to carve out time for self-reflection. if I want to grow as a human, I have to disrupt the cycles and habits that i’m stuck in and actually start doing things differently. if I want to be a faithful follower of God who is marked by His love and who proclaims His name, I have to disrupt the belief that I am Lord of my own life and let Him have the throne. if I want to heal and deepen my relationships, I have to disrupt the loop of resentment I repeat internally and actually forgive and apologize and open up to others. if I want my words to be encouraging and edifying and glorifying, I have to disrupt the cycle of speaking more than I listen and let Holy Spirit whisper through the Word and the world to me. if I want to strengthen my body, I have to disrupt my lazy tendencies and show up to yoga classes and get my body moving and choose activity over inaction.
if I want things to be different, I have to allow disruptions.
I have to interrupt the way things have always been and allow for a new way of being.
I cannot protect myself against newness and yet somehow demand change. I cannot lock my heart up against others and yet somehow desire love and relationship. I cannot ignore my Bible and forget to pray and do the bare minimum with my faith and yet somehow say God is distant or not at work in me.
I have to disrupt these thought patterns, these habits, these unhealthy rhythms, these cycles.
to live on purpose, I have to be intentional. that sounds obvious, but it’s important.
these things don’t just happen to us. these changes don’t just occur. these shifts don’t just slip into our lives on their own. these things take work.
I want to live on purpose.
I want to know what i’m thinking.
I want to make time for self-reflection.
I want to show up to counseling and work through my shit and get real about it all.
I want to let people in, to learn to love and be loved well, to grow in relationship and community.
I want to stretch my muscles and build new strength.
I want to know the Word so that my own words echo what is true and holy and life-giving.
I want to build healthy habits and let go of the ones that don’t serve me.
I want to seek Christ faithfully, to follow obediently, to praise unendingly, to grow abundantly.
I want it all— who I am, what I do, how I speak, how I love, what I think— to be glorifying to Him.
I want to do the hard and holy work it takes to live differently, to live rightly, to live well.
I want to live on purpose.
Holy Spirit, come close. You know my heart and all of its hurts. You know my soul and all of its struggles. You know my fears, my doubts, my hopes, my dreams. I invite you in— fully, freely. Be near. Be here. Disrupt my patterns, interrupt what is in the way, and breathe new life over it all. Help me to surrender more readily, to embrace change with more openness, to stop fighting your guidance with such resistance. Soften what is sharp in me. Heal what is hurt in me. Bind up what is broken in me. Calm what is chaotic in me. Awaken what is asleep in me. I don’t want to keep living automatically. I want to live intentionally. Lead me, teach me, show me step by step. Make it all matter. I want to sing a song worth singing, want to write an anthem worth repeating. Spirit, come. Do what only you can do.