She had a feeling like the world she was in just didn't fit right anymore. Sitting on a couch with a plate of pancakes in her lap, she looked at the laughing faces around the circle and realized she felt far away. If she wasn't there, would they notice? She didn't wonder in a cynical way, didn't accuse or blame or resent, she just wondered.
And then, she took a step back. She bowed out as gracefully as she knew how, letting those people still laugh in their circle, just without her. Her heart didn't hurt, didn't ache, didn't mourn. She just felt like those people somehow weren't her people. They are beautiful, wonderful, talented, kind-hearted people, but they just weren't her people.
She didn't know who her people were. Sitting on a porch with a mug of coffee in hand, she looked at the sky above her and realized she felt far away. The people who she had written about in journals, the ones who told her words she still clings to, taught her lessons she's still working through, shared stories she still remembers, those people felt far away.
She didn't feel alone, really. She knew she wasn't. She knew there was a friend a few hours north, one across the country by a big blue lake, one in a colonial town, one working as a beach bartender, one in school for photography, one just a bedroom away, and a list of many more beside them.
But where were her right here, up close, sharing meals, clinking drinks, bumping elbows in the aisles, living in the nitty gritty of her everyday people?
Where were the ones who she couldn't hide from? Where were the ones who would show up at the front door when she didn't reply to a text for hours, just to check in? Where were the ones who would flop down on the end of the bed and just listen to the venting, the processing, the crying? Where were the ones who would pull up, windows down, music blasting, ready for a wild and unplanned adventure around town, just because it's sunny and seventy-five and why not?
She had a feeling her world just didn't fit right anymore, like she had been trying to stay wrapped up in skin she had outgrown.
Maybe her people were somewhere else, in some other city of some other state. Maybe they were just down the street, and she didn't know because she didn't wander over there. Maybe her people were waiting for another day, another season, another year to appear. Maybe the people she was searching for was really just one Person, the One she strayed from and struggled to stay wholeheartedly connected to, even though she yearned for that.
She had a feeling something needed to change. Maybe it was her. Maybe it was her zip code. Maybe it was her outlook. Maybe it was her eyes. Maybe it was her heart. Maybe it was a lot of things that all boiled down to little things.
She decided today would be the day one little thing changed. And then tomorrow, she would try another. Her world was hers but it was also His, and she knew she had stayed still and stagnant and silent too long.
She needed to shed her old skin, wriggle out into a new world, and set off in search of her people and her purpose.